The Secret Life of Kronos Ouranos
by Glato Everlark
Summary: My first story on FanFic. This is a parody/ alternative ending to Percy Jackson: The Last Olympian that shows, deep down, Kronos is just another sassy little schoolgirl.


It was August 18th Kronos got killed.

It was also when he'd started showing his true colors.

Sassy as a drama queen, if you ask me.

"THATZ MA GURL!" Kronos replied to Selina's text message, saying Percy, Annabeth, and Grover would play into his hands. "Yaaay! Ethan, quick, stand at the door, just in case Hyperion really _does_ come to the Breaking Dawn movie marathon." Kronos crossed his legs on the plush lazy chair, put on some Merry Cherry lip gloss, and filed his nails in excitement.

Ethan, quivering in fear and devotion, curtsied and ran to the door, wondering what ever possibly happened to the Lord of Time. Kronos sang a medley of _Call Me Maybe_ and songs, and the doorbell to Medusa's lair rang. "ETHAN! Get it, I'm so excited, I'm craving a Jamba juice— and a Rhodarte dress— and can't afford the calories!" Hyperion strutted in with a Dove chocolate bar and a bad tan.

"Sorry if I came late," said Hyperion through mouthful of chocolate. "Want one?" Kronos rolled his eyes. "For God's sake, just because you are the sun titan doesn't mean you can get away in style as a tan-o-rexic and eat chocolate; didn't you last week?" Ethan just stared at the two titans in horror as they debated over team Jacob and team Edward. Then the doorbell rang… again.

"It's my stupid grandkids!" Kronos wailed in despair. "And my nails didn't even d_ry_!" Kronos blew at them in horror. "Yeah," chimed in Hyperion, "and we're only seventeen minutes into the first film. How can we kill them?" It turned out it was just an _empousa_ that worked for _UPS_ that got Kronos his latest _Teen Vogue_ magazine.

"TEEN VOGUE!" Squealed the two titans, neglecting the film and Ethan rolled his eyes at the two stupid titans. He went to go lounge downstairs with Kronos' army, eating nachos and playing war games. After reading about the horrible Kardashian Christmas photo shoot, Kronos' eyes started to tear up. "Destroying the Western Civilization… does it include Kim Kardashian?" Hyperion nodded sadly. "And Blair Waldorf?" Hyperion's eyes now started to well.

"That's no fair! I wanted to MARRY THEM!" Kronos was so depressed, he really _did _drink the Jamba Juice. He then cracked a goofy grin. "No worries—I got Rhea. And, besides, KUDOS! You, I, Kelli the _empousa_, and Selina rendezvous at the mall. Yaaar! This is so good news—God, I could even eat a doughnut!"

"I know," Hyperion said, really eating a doughnut—"You didn't!" cried Kronos, messing up his index finger nail, aghast— and then the doorbell rang. "It's nothing," Kronos said, "either a pillow pet, or the latest installment of _Marie Claire_!" Kronos strutted to the door, nails fully dried, and Luke's hair in curlers. "He-llo?" said Kronos in a sassy tone and bleeped under his breath, for it was those little Olympian brats. This wasn't what he expected. And in Kronos' head played the theme song for _"What Would Gaea and Katie Upton Do:A Titan's Personal Thoughts"._

"Y-you're not supposed to be here," Kronos said, about to puke up his Dove chocolate and Jamba Juice. _Selina tricked me!_ He thought. _Crap. Now I can't defeat Olympus and finish Breaking Dawn. _To make matters worse, Hyperion just stood there, staring at the group. "Um, Hyperion, are you going to do anything about this? Selina, liked, messed up a perfect future of mine! No way I'm going back to Tartarus! It's so damn dark and— there isn't a single"

"Relax. Kronos, you really should have taken that one yoga class."

"Titans don't do yoga."

"Um, if we are titans, lets go and fight for Olympus."

"B-but we d-din't even start to play House yet!"

"May the Titans help thee."

"I am a titan, Hyperion!"

Kronos went up to his room and got his scythe. Now, he was all Lord of Time, not the actual Drama Queen Kronos. Kronos took out the curlers and grabbed a breastplate. But by then, the demigods were gone. He made Prometheus get the army ready.

Kronos smuggled a limo and asked Epimetheus to escort him to Cub Foods to grab some Vitamin Water and Weight Watchers ice cream. That was before a javelin hit Epimetheus. "Noo! Now who will drive me back? The misery when Atlas checks out my ride!" Angry, Kronos hopped into the driver's seat and furiously half-squashed the gas pedal, so furious he drove through the demigods headquarters. _Yeah!_ He thought. _I bet I killed a few of them! _Tendrils of smoke, fire, and steam rushed through and water pummeled throughout the now silent NY. Crap. Cause look who just rose through the flames.

Percy Jackson.

That was until a few flaming javelins set the car on fire, and half the Ares campers ganged up on the Lord of Time. "Aargh!" he screamed as a Clarisse glowing red came running at him. "*****!" she screamed, shoving the spear up his nose, which hurt way worse than the blue brush that mortal Rachel threw at his eye.

"YOU'RE RUINING MY FACE! I BET IT'S NOW THE SCARIEST THING EVER SINCE THE SAW MOVIES AND THE DEVIL INSIDE!" Kronos screamed hysterically. " AND THE WOMAN IN BLACK AND- AND..!" Then Percy, Annabeth, Tyson, Grover, and Luke's ghost joined the mix. "That's my body you're in, dork," Luke's ghost said in disgust, and stabbed Kronos in the heart. "NOOO! NOT TARTARUS! DAMN YOU!" cried Kronos as he turned to dust.

"When I was little, I always wanted to be in _Toddlers and Tiaras_. Now I wanted to go to _America's Got Talent_. Couldn't you guys give me…" he turned to a pile of dust.

"Yay!" Cried Tyson. "That was fun!"

Oops.

So Kronos didn't get that Rhodarte dress, after all.


End file.
